Valentine’s Day is known as a day for lovers, romance, roses, and fancy dinners. I started seeing advertisements as soon as the Christmas blitz stopped telling me to buy everything from flowers for a year to stuffed bears that fit together to personalized love songs. From an early age, the red, pink, and white of Valentine’s Day plaster our classrooms and talk of love abounds.
And my wife and I don’t celebrate it. “Why?!” you might ask. I don’t hate teddy bears, flowers, or fancy dinners. But I’ve learned that one day (or maybe two if you really go all in on your anniversary) of going all out is not part of the formula of a healthy, thriving marriage.
So if a big Valentine’s Day isn’t what you need, then what is? The Gottman Institute (established by researcher John Gottman and his wife and clinician Julie Gottman) reports that master couples spend more time and energy on doing “small things often” than they do on big gestures. Here are some of the small things that make the big difference in relationships.
Hellos and Goodbyes
Partings in the morning should take around 2 minutes. A simple conversation about your partner’s upcoming day can be enough. “What is something interesting you are expecting today?” is a great question to ask each other. And always say goodbye with a 6-second kiss. A six second kiss will release oxytocin (bonding hormone) and build intimacy and connection.
Returning home should start with an acknowledgement (“hi honey, I’m home”) and a kiss. The end of each day benefits from a “stress reducing” conversation. Each partner has 5 or 10 minutes to share the ups and downs of their day while their partner just listens (No solving problems!). Give support and show you care. Then switch roles.
Admiration
It’s not enough to have good thoughts about your partner throughout every day. Those positive feelings need to be shared. Share something you like or appreciate about your partner each day. Be specific. Catch them doing something “right” and let them know. Send an email, text, or put a note in their bag/car/lunch box.
Spend a few minutes each day engaged in non-sexual touch: hold hands, kiss, snuggle, hug, or grab to make a connection. Have a lingering kiss whenever possible.
Turning Toward
Master couples pick up and respond to bids for attention around 86% of the time. Disaster couples sit around 33%. Pay attention to your partner’s asking for attention. This can come in many forms: responding to what I say, help me with a task, chat with me, play with me, or learn something new with me.
Commit to seeking out the bids your partner makes. Look up from your phone, computer, ball game, laundry, dinner, etc. Try to make “bid” part of your vocabulary. “I’m making a bid for your attention right now.” Missing bids means a reduction in bid – and therefore a reduction in opportunities for connection, enjoyment, and affection.
Regular date nights
Make a commitment to have a regular (weekly, if possible) date night. A date night doesn’t have to be expensive or take 4 hours. Date night is intentional time to spend with just the two of you. Take a couple hours each with to be intentional about enjoying one another’s company. Do something new together. Find a new show to watch each Friday night. Spend an hour together without phone or the TV on and ask each other open ended questions about your hopes and dreams.
These small things are more powerful and effective at building intimacy and connection than the big gestures that Valentine’s Day tries to get us to buy into. Spending 20-30 minutes every day on your relationship will do more for your marriage than a one day investment.
If you want to learn more or need help getting started, book an appointment with me today!
Jared R. Williams is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Licensed Professional Counseling in Texas.